October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This year I am more aware than usual about infant loss and the difficulties facing families and individuals experiencing infant loss and how difficult it can be to find resources in that time of need.
I hope these resources are useful to you and I will also include some tips of my own regarding self-soothing and comfort during an early misscarraige. (Later miscarriages and stillbirths tend to happen in the hospital due to increased risk and support measures may more closely resemble general labor support measures).
I hope you will fee free to share this list of resources and tips with anyone in your life who is experiening pregnancy and infant loss and know that I write this in great respect for the birthers in our world who must carry both life and death and let their hearts break open so wide. Each journey I recognize as sacred and my hope is that every mother and birther feels held in their time of preperation, release and ongoing integration.
Sincerely with Love, Tara Daystar
Ongoing list of resources that can offer solace, support, information, and guidance for those experiencing the tragedy of losing a child:
Baby Loss Family Advisors: Provides trained advisors or doulas for families facing an infant loss.
Compassionate Friends: Local chapters for families that have had a child die (at any age, from any cause) or for people trying to support them.
Sisters in Loss: Podcast, blog, and community for Black women who have experience infant loss.
Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope: On-line stories, facebook group, informal support gatherings
Still Birthday: Website offering training for birth workers and resources for parents experiencing loss
Comfort Measures During Early Miscarraige
Please know that these are suggestions and do not medically advise nor replace medical advice.
- If you have time, consider reading stories of other women’s/individual’s miscarraiges to get a better grasp of things you might want to consider when preparing for miscarraige and to remind yourself that you are in good company-miscarraiges happen fairly frequently and you are so not alone in feeling your way through this
- Prepare a comfort bag to have on hand when the miscarraige starts so that you have everything you need to support your comfort and relaxation and grounded presence if you desire this in your experiences. Your bag could include:
- Aromatherapy
- Heating Pad (this is VERY helpful when put on the back)
- Over the counter pain reliever or perscription pain medication as per medical care providers advisement. Consider risks. Over the counter pain medications like Tylenol and Advil tend to be low risk compared to perscrition medications.
- A vessel in which to save any tissue/remnent of your misscarriage you wish to view or bury/release.
- Consider who you can call for childcare for older children if you need help. Discuss with your partner or support people whether they can leave work/be home with you during the experience.
- Maxi pads
- Words of wisdom that you feel will support you in your process, images, prayer flags, music -anything that you feel will truly help you feel in as supported and cozy a space as possible.
- Number of your medical care provider or doula in case you need to talk to someone to gain medical advice or information (remember doulas can offer information but do not provide medical advise)
- Ceremonial items you may wish to include during your miscarraige or afterwards at burial or release.
- Make sure you have a cozy place ot lie down and access to easy to eat foods and water during process
- Consider asking for a foot massage, back massage, or other hands on support
- If cramping is bad, consider getting in the hot shower and letting water run on your back or, if your midwife or doctor says it is safe, the bath
- Breath deep and slow. You can stimulate your vagus nerve and calm your nervous system by breathing in for a count of 4, out for a count of 8
- Allow yourself to feel what you feel, cry as much as you need to, rage if you need to, feel grateful if you need. Its absolutely ok if feelins around a miscarriage are complex. Hold yourself with loving compassion as there is no “right” way to do this. Discover YOUR way of doing this. Ask that any support people hold space for self expression. If they are uncomfortable with expression consider finding a friend or doula who is comfortable holding space ike this.
- Know that a miscarriage is an opportunity to work together with your partner or other dear person in your life, to grow closer through this loss that is shared by those that love us. May your shared loss deepen your shared love.
- If it feels right know that you can share your experiences with others and by doing so create greater undestanding for miscarriage. Miscarraige is common but often not talked about in our culture. Culture can change.